How I Have Learned to Deal With Conflict in My Life

My point of view about conflict has changed over the years.

Like most INFPs I used to wish that conflict would never happen. I just wanted people to be kind to me and to get along with them. I just didn’t know how to make that happen.

Now I realize that conflict sometimes happens even in the best of relationships. People are different from each other and have different points of view. Conflict happens when two people don’t see eye to eye and can’t agree with each other.

I have learned that there are several ways to deal with conflict; some of them escalate the situation and some of them help to resolve it. I have also realized that many people don’t know how to deal with conflict effectively when it happens.

I wish someone had explained to me a long time ago that it’s normal to have one of four reactions when dealing with conflict. The four reactions are fight, flee, freeze or fawn.

I have experienced all four of them in various circumstances.

I used to yell at my brother and fight with him sometimes. I used to freeze when my parents would argue and feel scared, helpless, and hopeless. Sometimes when I heard shouting and yelling, I would run to my bed and hide under my blanket. Sometimes when someone was angry at me, I would stifle my own thoughts and feelings and be extra nice to that person in order to keep them from being angry at me.

I used to feel at fault for causing the conflict even when I wasn’t to blame. I would try to figure out how I can keep it from happening in the future. I would try to figure out what I can do to keep that person from being angry or annoyed at me and to try to find a way to control the situation.

INFPs are often blamed for being weak or not aggressive enough by other temperaments.

I remember an adult telling me that if another child hit me, I should just hit them back. They didn’t understand that I don’t like causing other people pain. I didn’t want to hit back; I just wanted that other child to be nice to me. I wanted to find a way to make that other person be nice to me. It took me many years to realize that you can’t make a person behave in a certain way. I can only control what I do and how I behave.

Now when conflict happens I listen to my intuition. I focus on what I need to do to keep myself safe and to take good care of myself. There is no perfect way to deal with conflict. You have to decide what is best for you in different types of circumstances.

I try to stay calm, aware, and in the moment when conflict or disagreements happen. Most of the time conflict can be resolved when both people stay calm and are willing to talk and understand each other’s point of view. I have learned that I don’t need to yell or fight to get my point across. I can stay calm and speak assertively with a confident tone of voice instead. I can use active listening to learn about how the other person is feeling and what they other person wants. It’s much easier to come up with a solution that works for both people when both people are able to communicate in a calm and respectful manner with each other.

Sometimes people have their own agendas and don’t want to respect my boundaries. In those circumstances I can call a “time out” until the other person has calmed down. I can repeat my boundary like a broken record so they will realize they can’t take advantage of me. I can issue and “if...then” statement so the other person knows that I will walk away from them if they keep yelling at me. It feels good to stand up for myself in these types of circumstances.

I realize that the world is not perfect and that some people are dysfunctional. They are not interested in finding a peaceful solution to the conflict in a respectful manner. Then I have to decide if standing up for myself is worth the risk of being physically hurt. Sometimes you have no choice and it’s best to fight and defend yourself. However, other times running away to stay safe is the best option.

There are people out there who are mean and who like to bully in order to get what they want. There are people who like to manipulate, control, use, and antagonize other people just for the fun of it. I have learned that it’s no use trying to be understanding and kind to those types of people. They will just end up hurting me emotionally or physically. They are not interested in talking and being reasonable. Their behavior will not change no matter how much I stifle myself or how much I try to change myself in order to please them.

It’s best to walk or run away from those types of people. It’s best to find other people to help me in those types of situations. It’s easier to stand up to those types of people with the help of someone in power or as a group of many individuals.

INFPs are seen as weak by others because we often don’t like conflict. I don’t like conflict because sometimes it can lead to people being hurt. I have learned that it’s important for me to be self aware and to assess a situation. I have to be aware of what is happening and how I feel in order to be able to choose how I want to react and behave.

It takes a lot more strength to choose to stay calm and to think about how I would like to react then to lash out in fear or anger without thinking. Sometimes I choose to stay and assert myself even though I feel like running away. Sometimes a situation reminds of the past and I have to make sure that I don’t overreact. Sometimes the best choice is to run or walk away.

I like having a peaceful life. I prefer to cooperate with people and to have positive relationships in my life. I prefer to be around people who are kind to me and understand me. I prefer to resolve conflict in a respectful and calm manner.

I have become more assertive over the years in various situations. I have developed clear boundaries and I know how to defend them. It’s easy for some people to tell me that I have to stand up for myself or fight. However, sometimes staying and fighting is not worth the risk of being hurt. Sometimes walking or running away is the best way to take care of myself. That doesn’t make me weak. It just means that I have gained more wisdom over the years in dealing with this type of conflict.