My Inner Compass

Since I was little, I have always felt different and… somehow out of place.

I was a child with a sad face and not particularly lovable. After my parents divorced, my mother had to leave me in the care of my maternal grandparents. Most of my childhood passed in an environment that felt unsafe. I was treated unfairly, often witnessed adults fighting and turning against one another, and was constantly judged and seen as the “unlucky” child.

Well, I thought I was unlucky too. Even after I grew up, I still did not dare to be the first customer at a shop early in the morning because I was afraid the shop would have a bad day and sell nothing because of me…

I once carried a deep sense of inadequacy, believing that I was useless and had no value.

To be accepted, I thought I should be humble and become useful to others. Because of that, in relationships, I tended to give first. I genuinely cared and tried to do whatever I thought was necessary to build long-lasting connections. It was also my way of creating opportunities to find genuine affection. I used to naively believe that if I treated my friends well, they would treat me well in return. Because deep down, I needed love. I longed to have a meaningful place in someone’s heart and… I was afraid of loneliness.

Looking back on my childhood experiences, there were times when I curled myself up in a dark corner, feeling hurt and miserable. Yet there were also moments when I felt incredibly happy simply because I could do something for another person. And there was the heavy guilt that stayed with me when I did not dare help someone because of my own insecurities.

Until moments of lost faith and true indignation, I felt like wanting to do something to resist, wanting to express my anger. However, there was always a certain part that anchored me back, as if whispering: “That is not who I truly am…”

Through challenges from controlling and manipulative relationships in life, I gradually realized that there has always been an “anchor point” deep within me. It is this anchor point that has kept me from choosing darkness and has quietly guided the way for myself. In the past, I was easily confused by the chaos around me and often could not tell what was right or wrong. Although I frequently needed validation from others to trust my own feelings and thoughts, whenever the ideas they imposed on me did not align with my “inner pathway,” I still chose to stay loyal to my intuition. That intuition has kept me from losing myself amid uncertainty and contradiction.

Within that anchor point, hope and faith have always been very strong. I once imagined that if this faith ever disappeared, I would become completely empty and nothing more than a living corpse.

Despite everything my life has been, I have always hoped that one day I would meet kind people. And then I truly met them. Their presence strengthened my faith even more, although sometimes those very people also brought me my greatest challenges, forcing me to confront and relive my childhood traumas. Standing before choices, I have always chosen to hold on to gratitude and cherish what they brought into my life. Because of that, I received many precious lessons that no school could ever teach me, as well as the activation to awaken my true essence.

Recently, while studying Astrology and Jungian psychology, I felt as though I was being led back to the many unresolved questions inside me, only to slowly discover my own answers.

I realized that everything I have gone through and every person I have met were not
“punishments from heaven”, they were all connected as part of a larger process, quietly guiding me toward the important moments of my life.

Currently, it can temporarily be said that I am in the awakening stage . There are still many things I need to face; there are times when I make the wrong choices, there are still many pieces within me that I have not yet found. When I look back on the years and all the events I have lived through, I feel proud that I have managed to preserve my character. I trust myself more than before, and I believe there is something bigger, more sacred of the universe…

I have contemplated that:

“The people we are meant to meet enter our lives to guide us, some come to challenge us, and some come to awaken something within us. Yet all of them help us recognize who we truly are.

The circumstances we live in are where we discover the meaning and value of our lives.

Our emotional experiences remind us to stay aware of the humanity that lives within us.

And every wave we ride through on the river of time… at its core, exists so that we may finally meet our true self…!”

That is my journey.

And I am still moving forward…