Becoming Who We Are

When you meet someone you haven't seen in a long time, say an acquaintance from high school, and they tell you something like, 

"Oh, you haven't changed at all!"

Do you consider it a compliment? I did for a while. Until I realized that it's not.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother and being the only foreign kid in my class, I was used to questioning myself, wondering what was wrong with me and what I had to do to fit in. I was so busy with surviving that I had very limited possibilities to find out who I was and what I wanted. It wasn't until I had finished high school and started studying biology that I realized that there was something fundamentally wrong with my mother and with my whole family and that I needed therapy.

How I realized my INFP strengths by seeing my mother for who she is

I went for an exchange semester to Florence and my mother insisted on coming with me to help me find a place to stay but instead of helping me she was constantly nagging at me for going to Italy. After a bad fight with my mother, I stormed outside. I went to a church, sat on the stairs and was bawling my eyes out. Unexpectedly, a friendly middle-aged Italian woman came up to me and started comforting me. My Italian wasn't great, but it was enough to explain my situation.

She hugged me and offered me to stay at her place. I was extremely puzzled that a stranger on the street was more empathetic and supportive than my own mother. That's when I realized that I had to find a therapist once I was back home in Germany. Once you are in therapy, it's likely that you start questioning everything you believed in and realizing how dysfunctional your family really is and often there is no way back. It's like taking the red pill in The Matrix. Realizing that you weren’t allowed to be your true self is relieving and devastating at the same time. You may start grieving that you didn't have the family you knew you needed, and how this is still affecting you as an adult. You start understanding why you were suffering so much and why you are such a people pleaser, doing things you didn't want to do. But then you start realizing that knowing who you are not, doesn't necessarily mean that you know who you are and what you want to do with your life. You will have to discover it step by step and you will have to be brave, going against your programming, failing, trying again.

Sometimes you don't realize how deep this programming is engrained in your psyche. And then you get triggered by a random situation – and you realize that there is still so much work to do. You fall back in the pattern of people pleasing, of denying your needs for the sake of harmony, of listening to your inner critic who is constantly nagging at you, telling you you're not good enough. But being aware of this and realizing that it's not you, that it's just your programming is what makes all the difference. It's this realization that enables you to tell your inner critic to shut up, to tell your inner child that it's okay to have needs and have them met and to ask yourself what is more important to you: That everyone is content with you (which is almost impossible) or that you are able to achieve your goals and to be proud of yourself (which might feel impossible).

INFPs can feel isolated until they realize who they really are

Sometimes, you feel like you are "the chosen one", the first person in your family who questions all the craziness going on there and the first one who is trying to overcome it. Sometimes, when you visit other families, it feels like they are actors from a rom-com where people care about each other, and you feel that this is exactly what you have been missing when growing up. You can't help but question why you had to deal with all of it as a child and why you still have to do the heavy work just to feel better. But then you start realizing that this is also a chance to get rid of your programming and to become who you really are.

The true you might not be the fancy marketing specialist or the creative director. It might be someone different, someone you don't know until you dig deep and realize that maybe you knew it all along but were too scared to admit it. It might be that you were afraid of what others would think of your life choices or that you might disappoint someone in your family or that you just don't feel like you are good enough. That's why questioning your programming is so important. Because those fears aren't you. They are just your fears. 

There is an inner strength inside of you, an inner voice that is guiding you, your intuition, your feelings, your inner value system. When you start focusing on yourself, on the things that make you happy, make you feel excited and alive you start regaining your true self.

Exploring who I am helped me to realize my INFP Strengths

It can start with small things like reevaluating what your favorite flower or color is, or what ice cream flavor you like.

It can be picking up a passion from your past or going on a road trip. It can also be learning Klingon just for the sake of it or going to a coffee tasting. The more you allow yourself to explore aspects of yourself without judging or pressuring yourself, the more authentic you become and the more you attract things meant for you. And this is where your power lies. Where you get to be surprised by what you are capable of. 

And even if you fail you know that this is just temporary because the true victory is to keep going on this journey of becoming who we are.