Choosing Yourself Is Always Worth It

As children, we are able to be more spontaneous, open to a world full of possibilities and curious.

Difficult things happen which force us to adapt to protect ourselves, like putting up shields to be who we think we need to be to be accepted by others or get what we want, shame about embarrassing or uncomfortable things we want to hide. Life is supposed to be a game of reciprocity – mutual giving and receiving. For those who are able to conform to society or to get what they want by playing this game, and to feel a sense of status, power, abundance or belonging, they are happy to play the game – they already embody desirable traits or are willing to adapt and put on a mask and get rewarded for it. 

As children, we do not have a lot of power or self-confidence to stay rooted in who we are when these difficult experiences, described in the second sentence, happen to us. Therefore, we need to make our parents happy so they will accept and not punish us, and at the same time there is pressure to be ‘cool’ amongst our peers – we want to fit in and be ‘normal.’

This blog is meant for those who are INFPs and you have all had times where you felt too ‘weird’ or ‘too much’ or ‘too sensitive’ or too ‘nice’, without a healthy sense of self-esteem.

People needed to bring you down from being so happy, or wonder why you’re being so weird and excited about the thing you’re excited about that you’re crazy or it’s not normal, or why are you overreacting and being so sensitive or emotional. The world encourages people to ‘not care too much’ and keep chasing things out of ego, like a desire to be greedy, collecting things that reflect wealth, climbing the career ladder, or doing what is normal. Kind of like what fits the social media algorithm and to act like we have everything together and we are a cool person, going out and doing lots of things. People can also be very cruel on the Internet, putting others down, shaming them, or invalidating you.

Everything changes when you choose to ‘wake up from the matrix’

You can decide to not worry about expressing yourself or being as passionate as you want, even when you experience others making fun of you or rejection or you feel alone. 

This was beautifully expressed in the movie Toy Story 5. Bonnie is shy, but has a very rich excitement and imagination – she is described as not like others her age. When the others are using their iPad, but she is still playing with toys and they laugh at her, she becomes embarrassed to be seen with her toys, and even when she meets Blaze (someone who is perfect for her and is also different from others her age with them sharing a lot in common), she almost loses this connection because of the bad things that happened to her in the past.

For those who are recovering people pleasers, who used to always put others first and think there is a certain way they are supposed to be, without embracing who they are and taking up space and embracing their full potential, they are usually labelled as the bad guy. 

My favourite example of this is the movie Wicked, when everyone is so rude to Elphaba because she is green and blaming her for the problems in the world. When she starts putting herself first, she gets labelled horrible things.

The beautiful thing about choosing authenticity and integrity is that it will push away the haters. 

We are a vibrational match or in alignment with the things we really want, without hiding anymore. Yes, some people won’t understand or will laugh at you, and you are exposing yourself. But by being real, you will, for the first chance, get to be seen and loved for who you really are, including all your flaws and messy and embarrassing parts, which is really what all of us want deep down. This sends out a light or flashing beacon which says this is who I really am and it invites others who feel the same way to also find you, and there will be the in-between stage where you feel alone, and it is not guaranteed you will afterwards find your tribe of like-minded souls. But it is a much higher chance than if you spend a life pretending to be someone else and pretending and masking, and unhappy with your life, thinking you have to be someone else.

I am choosing to intentionally leave out real-life examples from my life--of conflict--for my privacy. But you can imagine that for recovering people-pleasers who felt weird, putting yourself first and standing out, without thinking about others, will invite a lot of conflict, especially when you are being messy with setting boundaries and being assertive for the first time, after a lifetime of just going along or being passive, when you actually had your own opinion. 

For me, I had to really push myself to grow and go outside my comfort zone (as an introvert in my default state), in order to become a person of value, such that I could find a company in the Netherlands willing to sponsor my residence permit to stay in the Netherlands. 

And at the same time, after growing and pushing myself so much (even when I was exhausted) there were times when all my groups and connections fell apart. I felt kind of like Elphaba in Wicked or Rumi from K Pop Demon Hunters, like I had been so ‘good,’ but I was sick of conforming, without shining.

My favourite artists are ones who reflect messy self-expression and authenticity, deep emotions and bittersweet music, like Taylor Swift, Gracie Abrahams, Sydney Rose, Ari Abdul, Sofia Isella, and Sombr. I love finding music, movies, TV series, anime and books, which reflect deeper struggles.

And these artists can remind me that I'm happier when I’m authentic and use courage to push through my internal conflict and choose myself before anyone else.