INFP Conflict and Growth: How Grow Can You Go?

The day I realised I was an INFP, a lot of things fell into place. 

One of them was realising that my seemingly unusual dislike for conflict, tension, and overt aggression was a natural part of my temperament. And, at the same time, I saw clearly how most other types, and really the majority of the world, do not have such a gentle sensitivity and aversion to conflict.

Most other types seemed built to fight, I thought. And as a man, I realised that my INFP personality might be letting me down at times. 

Growing up as a teenage boy, I saw a lot of people getting into fights. Out on a Saturday night in town, too many drinks, too much teenage angst, guys had little better to do than flex their pecks and show off their muscles to prove they were “the hardest guy around.”

During those times when fights would erupt, I was often accused of being a pacifist. And that’s because I would stand back, observe, calm people down, and try to make everyone get along. 

Sometimes that worked. Sometimes I had to run!

But, throughout the course of my life, I’ve come to realise that defending yourself and setting boundaries with others is very important. Of course, starting fights in countryside pubs isn’t something I approve of. But I do know how important it is to present yourself with boundaries, confidence, and strength. To be someone others see as unafraid to stand up for themselves. 

So, why should a gentle INFP get braver in handling conflicts in life? 

Let’s take a look.  

Confidence in conflict leads to personal growth  

Most INFPs are idealists. We want to live in an ideal world, where people are nice to each other and everyone has good intentions. 

But, sadly, lots of people don’t have good intentions. Many people have nefarious, ill-intentions to exploit others for their own gain. And that is just not the way so many of us INFPs operate. 

Other people can have baggage from trauma, be competitive, or motivated by greed or desire. At worst, they may be contemptuous of our backgrounds, the colour of our skin or hair, our religion, or our politics. 

Facing up to that reality and fighting for your own sanity can and will lead to personal growth for INFPs. The paradox for us is that, when we stand up for ourselves, we actually find more internal peace. Letting things go or ignoring problems because we don’t want to cause a scene is actually more disruptive for our psyches in the long run. 

And while we do have a personality temperament that tends to be gentle and soft, we also have it in ourselves to be badass rebels, warriors, and freedom fighters, defending our rights and the peace of the people we love. 

And when we discover that part of ourselves, we will feel happier and more content. 

Healthy conflict is good for us

Harmony does have some benefits. It can help us focus on our goals and dreams. And it keeps us feeling safe and secure. 

But the worst part of maintaining harmony is when we suppress how we feel, especially our anger or frustration. When we don’t speak up or say how we feel, compartmentalise feelings to keep the peace, or consider others, it can lead to negative outcomes. And these can include passive aggression, dissociation, depression, and bottled-up feelings that can explode later on and ruin relationships.   

Studies also suggest emotional suppression can lead to serious health outcomes from the ongoing stress of not expressing how we feel. So, if we’re always looking for peace, dodging conflict, or mediating, the effects can hurt us in the long term.   

Driving conflict can resolve issues 

Another aspect of conflict is the stagnation it brings. We can find ourselves doing the same things over and over, getting stuck in habits, not standing up for ourselves or disrupting the status-quo.

In work or professional settings, this can be dangerous. Conflict is inevitable. When it happens, it suggests there’s a problem somewhere that needs to be solved. You or your colleague may have an approach that someone else finds problematic. And engaging in healthy, assertive conflict–that isn’t a fist fight or a shouting match–can allow those problems to reveal themselves. 

When we know where a work problem is, we can work on solving it. And by talking this out with others, we can deepen our relationships and bond by resolving our problems. 

Conflict leads to change and innovation

While it can be annoying and frustrating for others when someone pushes against plans with contrarian viewpoints, it does often lead to new ideas and innovations that improve workplace outcomes. 

That’s not to say that, in your job, it’s a good idea to go around telling other people they’re wrong or could do things better! 

It’s to say that radical improvements can all come through being brave enough and bold enough to express your view without fear of the repercussions. Views that others may think make you difficult or a troublemaker. And when INFPs don’t stand up for themselves or speak up for their ideas, they can get overlooked or drowned out by more assertive or aggressive types. And often, these are the people who lack the level of creativity and imagination we can bring to organisations. 

So, my advice is not to be scared. Conflict is good when it’s handled well. And it takes time to develop; it certainly did for me. When it did, it revealed that I had an inner warrior, and I gained the respect of others. I saw a side of myself that I could integrate over time into a more refined and developed personality that allowed me to handle any conflicts that came my way. 

And I noticed that having respect for myself and my boundaries encouraged other people to respect me too.